Jokes (keep them clean)

[{TWR}DarkSith]

lol

[Hawk]

Paddy wants a job,
but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math's test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says?
"Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.



"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree
makes 9" says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss.
"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the
number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.... "Ere ye
go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on
earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's
dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually
have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same
rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Ere ye go. One hundred."



The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be
nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base
of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each
tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a
turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
Paddy is the new supervisor.

[Hawk]

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun.

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a
five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references.

He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up.

He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[Hawk]

A man goes out and buys a new Corvette convertible. One night he takes it out for a spin, and stops at a red light. An old man pulls up next to him riding a mo-ped. The old man looks over the Vette and says, "What kind of car ya got there sonny?" The man replies, "It's a 2009 Corvette, the best sports car in the USA; it cost me over $50,000."
"That's a lot of money" says the old man. Why do they cost so much?" The man answers, "Because they can go 180 miles an hour!" The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his mo-ped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car all right!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and in a few seconds the speedo reads 120 MPH. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be catching up to him. Afraid it might be a cop, he slows down to 65 and suddenly whhhoooosshh! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than this Vette?" the man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming towards him. Whhoooosshh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it sorta looked like the old man on the mo-ped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a mo-ped outrun a Vette?"

Then again he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whhooosshh - Blam! It plows into the back of the Vette! The man jumps out. It is the old man! Of course, the mo-ped and the old man are in a world of hurt. The guy runs up to the old man and cries, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies, "Yes, could you please unhook my suspenders from your side mirror?"

[Hawk]

a man just picked up his brand new Zr1. bought it for himself for his 50th B-day.
He's cruising down the florida Freeway at about 80 when he sees a DPS car in the far rear view mirror with its lights on. He thinks " im in a zr1.. he doesnt have a chance" and punches it leaving the cop in the dust... 30 seconds later he realises.. WHAT AM I DOING.. pulls over and sits at the side of the road waiting.

the cop finaly catchs up and starts yelling at him.. ARE YOU INSANE!!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!!!

cop says : " LOOK!!! its going to take me 3 hours to fill in all the paper work that is going to be involved in dragging you down town and arresting you.. PLEASE give me a good reason to let you go..."

the man says " Well I saw you where florida highway patrol.. and well my wife LEFT me for a florida highway patrol man."

cop thinks a minute and says : " well i dont get it.. how is that relavant?"

man says : " i though you were him trying to give her back!!" 

[RammSStein]

lol@hawk@moped

    
another recycle I am sure for this topic but a goody


A drill sergeant had just handed an donkey chewing out to one of his recruits, and as he was walking away, he turned to the recruit and said, "I betcha when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The young recruit replied, "Not me, Sarge ... no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
 






   

[ddddyyyy]

I agree with 1shot1kill

Edit

You have now been banned from posting on this site as the message text I edited from this post contained links to sites that breached the T&C's of the registration process on this site.

When you sign up on this site you agree to the T&C's, don't abuse that fact or the other members that visit here with your filth.

And to use a very respected members name in your post to try and hide the fact you are just promoting porn links is appalling 
 

[RammSStein]

Now that is bizzare

[-=b|d=- Ren.]

    A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
    The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
    "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

[RammSStein]

Fact: Chuck Norris was born with a beard. When doctors tried to shave it, he roundhouse kicked them in the face with his precociously strong baby legs, knocking them all unconscious.